12/7/2023

12/7/2023 basically a diary entry:

Sometimes, I feel like I'm just this massive storm moving through everyone's life; while it is happening, it's got your attention, but the second it's over, you go back to your day-to-day life and eventually forget about it... It's not that I think I'm forgettable, but that I'm not worth remembering in the first place. I've got two friends I talk to almost every day, and every time we talk, it's like they barely see me. No, I don't mean they can't see me, but I know the second the phone call ends, they go back to their day-to-day lives, and I'm left alone. Truthfully, I struggle with letting people know what I need. I never want to be seen as annoying or begging for attention, which, now that I'm typing seems a little insane for someone saying they think they're forgettable.
Sometimes it feels like the people in my life are just entertaining me like they're listening to what I say but only enough to get through the conversation. I don't know. Maybe that's because I'm convinced everyone I know secretly hates me. I often feel like I'm begging the people in my life to want to be around me. It feels really dramatic, but even when I'm invited somewhere, I have to convince myself that I'm actually wanted there. i have this friend we'll call him J, he's constantly got something going on, movie dates with friends, comedy shows, concerts etc... we facetime pretty much every night like clock work and talk about our days and every day he tells me about his plans for the weekend and who hes going out with. Every day it feels like I'm waiting for an invite or something. We had a conversation about it one day, and he said that he wouldn't tell me about plans if he didn't want me there. All I had to do was say something, but as I said earlier, I don't want people to feel like I'm begging for attention, so when J tells me these plans, I usually nod and listen and act like I'm not alone.
-xoxo anon